Patrick

“Some people get plastic surgery to smooth out the wrinkles. Others get it to feel sexier or more confident about themselves. One became obsessed to look like a cat, but you wished to look like a,” the reporter paused.

He had known exactly what kind of absurd situation he was getting himself into when he volunteered for this interview, but the actuality of it didn’t hit him until now.  He had originally hoped that the viral topic at hand would be enough to launch his career into national status, but as he stood there, staring at his subject, holding down the vomit that could rise up at any moment and ruin his new suit, he wondered if it was all worth it.

“You wanted to look like a-”

He had to finish the sentence if he wanted anything to come of this.

“A st-”

Here it came, the vomit he had been surpressing was coming up in verbal form.

“Star-”

There was no turning back now.

“A starfish?”

“Yup” the pink blob splattered through his blubbery lips. The 700 lb man was laying down on his back in his own bed. The reporter was situated in a chair by his bedside.

“I’m sure the world is wondering the same thing that I am,” the reporter coughed at the fishy stench in the room. “Why did you want to do this?”

The starfish-man, who liked to refer to himself as ‘Patrick,’ although it sounded more like Ppppstkkk when he pronounced it, blinked at the question. Either he wanted to respond and didn’t know what to say, or he physically had lost the ability to form words.

The reporter continued.

“According to the surgeons who gave you your initial consultations,” the reporter looked at his notes in front of him as he spoke, “you were such a fan of Spongebob Squarepants that you longed to replicate his best friend Patrick. Is that still how you would describe your reasoning today?”

Patrick coughed up some green liquid and blinked again.

“Your medical records state you have gone through 23 amazing surgeries, including cranial reconstruction, and 15 sessions of fat injections, totaling 560 lbs inserted into your arms, legs, and torso in an attempt to get the starfish shape? Don’t you think this is a very illogical and unhealthy message you’re sending out into the world?”

Patrick groaned. He appeared to be experiencing some kind of pain in his side as he slightly wriggled around in bed. His groaning turned into muffled shouts. A few doctors that had been at hand sprinted to his side and started checking his vitals.

“He’s bloating up,” one doctor said to the other.

“The surgeries are catching up to him!” the second doctor yelled.

“Get out of the room, everyone!” the first doctor piped up again. “He’s gonna blow!”

Later that night, on the 10 o’clock news, reporters across the globe were yapping on about the latest viral video. Apparently, some man had suffocated to death when a giant starfish expelled a large starfish-flatulent, launching the sea creature onto the man. The weight of the blubber-filled specimen was too much for the man, who no longer could breathe in under the pressure, and he died just moments later. It was all caught on tape and was leaked by an anonymous source to youtubers across the world.

Reporters say the starfish has been freed back into the wild sea where it belongs.

'Patrick Star' posted by Brushcommander on DeviantArt.com

— Patrick: Written by Robbie, inspired by the digital art ‘Patrick Star’ created and posted on DeviantArt by Brushcommander.

~ by Robbie on July 23, 2009.